oddities/crackwhores/gore/melancholia/film/film stills/random shit
i'm socially awkward and tomato faced and a laveyan satanist and i'm a timwhore and i'm blonde haired blue eyed and i love shit jokes. spare a follow, bro?
ask me something bro / about me / boo / blabbing / music i've posted / photog tumblr/ starving haitians
on a monday morning, Norma sits in her first class discussing the past weekend’s druken fiascos. her fellow gossip hounds, Bertha and Joan gasp in disbelief as Norma recounts a horrifying tale about how Rick’s brother supposedly saw Bess trying to get with her boyfriend. that slut! she can’t wait to tell Bess’s boyfriend.
on a tuesday evening, Bertha and Bess watch viral youtube videos together, repeatedly making facebook statuses about the true meaning of friendship. clearly, they’ve got it down pat. Bess can’t believe what Norma supposedly said about her! what a bitch! she makes a facebook status about not being able to trust anyone in this town.
on a wednesday morning, Joan sees Bess’s facebook status and decides to text her.
“WHT IS UR STATUS ABOUT, BEAUTIFUL?”
“nothing.. and beautiful u must be talking about urself lmao”
“NO WAY YOU’RE WAY GORGEOUS-ER! IF THAT’S EVEN A WORD”
the two confront eachother later in the hall and erupt into laughter. they are such good friends. Bess never realized Joan was so caring. they sit together at lunch and talk about Norma. Joan can’t believe Norma would say that about Bess!
on a thursday afternoon, our trio walks home together. unable to think of anything intelligent to say, the subject of Bess arises once more.
“she’s saying so much shit about you.” joan reports.
“bitch needs to go down.” bertha chimes in.
roughly an hour later, Norma changes her facebook status in praise of her bffls. they later gather around her bedroom window to watch a ‘crippled retard’ wheel up his driveway from the short bus.
on a friday morning, the Students Against Bullying campaign assembles. among them are Norma, Bertha, Joan and Bess. laid out in front of them are papers outlining their fundraising efforts to be featured in an anti-bullying presentation later that day. the group can’t wait to spread bullying awareness and help stop the problem!
(sound familiar? probably because this happens in every damn school. anti-bullying is preached and hypocrisy is displayed)
i’ve spent probably well over a hundred bucks on TAXIS in a day and a half. this is because
driver #1: took me from my aunt’s place to alumni hall for the postsecret event i came here for. (oh shit, did i even post about that? idk. long story short, it was amazing..minus the part where i actually met him. he signed my book and gave me a 1800 suicide bracelet but he was just so……exhausted. took away the genuinity. probably wanted to go back to his 5 star hotel and jack off. i don’t really blame him. cool nonetheless. no regrets) this driver was older, indian and lived in london for 4 years. he talked to me about how after he broke up with his wife of like 20 years, he went through this period where he was very mentally unstable. one day he walked all the way from his apartment almost to the 401 before he realized where he was. he talked about walking through ‘jungles’ (i think he meant the bush?)
driver #2: took me from alumni hall after the postsecret event back to my aunt’s house. he was older as well, white(!!!!) but yugoslavian. i was very scared by him at first because he looked creepy as shit, just all slumped over in his car reading a book before i hopped in. he talked to me about the communist shit in eastern europe while he was growing up. he was a cool guy, just had no idea where the fuck he was going. stopped at a corner store, went in and bought a map because he didn’t know where to go.
driver #3: this morning. took me from my aunt’s house to masonville mall. younger black guy who was born and raised in london but his parents were from africa. and his last name was KIDDO. i kid you not. (heheheeh kid) for once, i just sat in the front and said nothing. he later goes, “quiet today, are we?” and i’m like “yeah i’m just tired!!!” then i start asking him how he likes his job and shit. he said he doesn’t care for it, but he has kids so it pays the bills. typical answer. he was talking about how he likes working during the day better because it upsets him to see what drugs and alcohol do to some people - and told me about how one time he had to call the cops on a guy dragging his passed out girlfriend across the street by her hair.
driver #4: aw my favourite! youngish indian dude who told me that he hates driving cab and he’s taking a real estate course. he showed me his real estate school when we drove by and let me take a look at his giant book he has to read during the course. he bitched continuously about how boring it was. i said happy 420 when it was 4:20 on the clock and he smiled and told me he has some really good weed just sitting around in his house, but he doesn’t like to smoke because he likes it too much. we talked about drugs a bit. i told him about my first and last time trying cocaine. he asked me if i smoked (cigarettes) and i blurted out “yes, unfortunately” even if i don’t. (i puzzle myself sometimes) so he gave me 4 cigarettes
mom: do you think i should wear a bra
me: you’re going to be in the passenger seat, no one is going to see you
mom: but what if we’re in an accident
me: you’ll be all bloody and dismembered anyway
mom: oh well i guess its one thing they don’t have to cut off me
i had a pretty decent day. school was boring as fuck. then i covered a shift for my coworker i have the hots for. then i finally got to go home.
from my friend i got 2 packages of teaopia tea (strawberry fields + earl grey) and a loose leaf tea diffuser which i really needed. i’m drinking the strawberry tea right now. not much of a fruit tea person, but this shits good.
from my mom i got a bamboo tea box with 6 compartments to hold tea. i filled it up with my collection. and a storage shelf thing i asked for. and a body pillow. (watch me 40 years from now alone in whatever crappy basement apartment i end up getting, cuddling a body pillow)
cheesy as fuck but i’m glad i have this blog. i used to write pretty much daily in cute little 300 paged ‘deluxe journals’ about my social ineptitude and whatnot. but now people can actually read it! and that’s semi comforting to me. i don’t often feel like talking and a lot of the time i’m not even articulate enough to do so, so blogging isn’t really my thing. does that make sense? idk.
so i ventured further into the drug world tonight and tried cocaine.
okay, as promised, i’m going to talk about my shroom extravaganza(not really) from last night. i actually had no plans to try them, i worked the next day(which was today) at 7am and i have to be sharp for work, so i can’t risk being all stupid the day after. apparently there’s no much of a comedown, so i said what the hell.
i was at my dealer/middle man’s house with two guy friends that are home for xmas from college. i bought 5.5g of shrooms to start off with because that’s all the guy had. decent amount for 3 people? idk.
and they didn’t, really - for the 2 grams i ate. i probably should have taken a bit more and i now know for next time. what they did do though was skew my perception of movie plots, theories, things like that. we watched scream 4 for some reason and i had never seen any of the other 3. i wasn’t familiar with the plot in the least, so i was confused. but the shrooms made my confusion like 10x worse. scream 4 seemed so god damn complex, like there were so many different scenarios going on at once and the way each of the character’s lives intertwined was so fascinating yet puzzling.
my buddy matt and i took about the same amount of mushrooms and we had some cute giggling fits together throughout the movie. he kept talking about us being an old married couple and our friend jameson was our retarded son that had to sit on the floor. it was so interesting to watch him though while i was high. he was staring at the movie eating a tray of assorted cashews and shit and as he watched the movie, i just stared at him and found it interesting how our brains process the same information together when we watch the same movie. does that make sense? i don’t know if any of this makes sense.
THEN I WALKED HOME. i just live 10 min down the street, but it was -30 C with windchill and i was very underdressed. i thought i was going to die, seriously. there were like fuckin dunes of snow all over the sidewalks and part of the road, so i was walking on a little patch of dry pavement so i wouldn’t f all on my ass. I FELT LIKE THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN. i’m like walking down an empty snow covered street against a blizzard on shrooms.
anyway, to conclude, my experience on psilocybin was not nearly as psychedelic and awesome as i had anticipated. colours didn’t seem brighter, sounds weren’t necessarily better sounding and food just seemed nauseating at the time. i will definitely do this drug again (i have like 2g left in my closet) and i will take more than i did last night next time. i probably underestimated the amount i would need to experience patterns and whatnot. overall, it was cool, definitely made me look at shit in a different way. (for about 5 hours)
my personal posts are seldom, but consistent. everytime you see text coming from this bitch, you know it’s going to be about medications. i don’t know if anyone reading can relate but if you can, please find it in you to send a quick message to me so i know i’m not going through this alone. fuck does that ever sound lame. i KNOW i’m not the only one with antidepressant woes and i KNOW that for a fact, but i need to feel it too. so!
in everything i fucking do in my life, i’m between a rock and a hard place. i’m finishing up highschool. i can’t NOT go because i get flack from everyone. i can’t GO because i get flack from everyone. i can’t arrive late because then i’m suspended. nothing i learn is of value to me an it’s hell to be there and be in classes with people. so when i have opportunities to skip, they’re so, so tempting
that’s what i did this morning. skipped first two periods and my mom happened to be driving by on her lunch break while i was waiting for the bus to arrive at school during lunch hour. and thank my lucky stars, i was able to cry and sound convincing about everything going on and she took me seriously. so she drove me to the clinic and i got in right away and i fucking hate the entire mental health field in its entirety, ill just say that.
i can’t fucking take my medications and i can’t not take my medications. i was prescribed effexor XR and ill fucking have seizures and shit if i stop cold turkey. but i cant spend my life with this,. i dont know what is causing this. SSRI withdrawal from june or the effexor.
so my fucking boobhead of a doctor prescribes me mirtazapine!
on the more positive side (i’m baked, can you tell already?) i woke up this morning at 7am by my boss all “i hear you’re interested in baking! come in after school!” all nice and shit. which is odd. so i’m being trained as a baker now (tim hortons) as well as keeping my drive thru/front counter job. so that worked out, i think
i still have weird feelings about it lol one of my coworkers whom i like very much was kind of upset because ‘they didn’t ask her to bake’ ~~~ but the difference is i took the initiative to actually get my interests heard you know?
and thoughts and feelings.
who gives a shit? everyone has them. everyone has their own crap to deal with, don’t unload yours on them. you hate it when people vent to you 80% of the time, why would you do that to another person? fuck, you’re so negative. this is probably why no one can put up with you for very long.
^ that’s how my head works. i spend so much fucking time thinking about my own thoughts and feelings that i get nothing done. the largest battle i face and probably ever will face is myself. i stand in the way of myself. i’m like a robot that is only capable of hating.
i hate everything. i’m so bored. and angry. and angrily bored. i think about that all the time. i think about how fucking bored i am. i get so stoned every chance i get (maybe about once a night now) just so i can find something captivating - very temporarily. i’ve stopped volunteering and i’ve stopped enjoying my job. it is a chore. everything is a chore. people want things from me. people are a chore. i do not want to be with them.
i don’t know if this is because of my latest medications or what. i’m so fucking stuck. i don’t know what to do. just when i get a burst of motivation to talk to my doctor about this, i lose it before my next appointment. if i get off medication, i will get sick and maybe get even more blah. if i stay on them, i will be like this forever, which is my greatest fear.
and absolutely zero people in my life know about this. i hardly have anyone in my life anymore. lol. wah. but i don’t. my friend is too wrapped up in her own shit to even ask me how i am anymore. lol. wah. x2
just as i was typing this, i got a call on my cell from someone that wants to hang out and ‘chill’. i hate this. lol wah x 3. i hate people. i hate chilling. i don’t enjoy myself BBBBECAUSE IM TOO WRAPPED UP IN MY OWN NEGATIVITY F
anger and boredom and solitude
things weighing heavily on my mind:
some memorable ones from today:
old guy: so theres this young girl that works here, shes just great - always got a smile on her face, she’s really got something special you know? her name is kristen?
me: kirstin
old guy: and other people, they’ve just got no soul at all. its like their jobs really got to them or something, it’s sad
me:
old guy: lol
me: lol
im beginning to have an issue with the ‘legalize gay’ shirts and the constant babble over how love is love and the rainbow colours and how much you LOVE gays (even though a gay person can be just as much of an asshole as a straight one can)
its like making a million TLC shows on the mundane daily activities of midgets to emphasize how much they are ‘just like us’ and in turn, making them seem like even more of a weird foreign species
IF YOU WANT TO PROVE THAT ‘LOVE IS LOVE’ DO IT BY STOP GIVING A SHIT BECAUSE I GUARANTEE SOME PEOPLE ARE HESITANT TO COME OUT BECAUSE OF SHIT LIKE THE FUSS OVER NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY, I MYSELF POTENTIALLY BEING ONE OF THEM
i love love love the serenity prayer, but as a an extremely un-godly individual, i’m going to make one slight alteration.
EMILIE, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
(because i’m responsible for my own faults and the ‘courage’ to correct them, with no reliance on a fairytale being to do so because i was too lazy)
